Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.